I've been in a really wierd mood lately; it's like I'm operating outside myself. Most of the time I feel like I'm not even paying attention to what I'm doing at the moment, then I realize that I've just had a kick-ass week at work and accomplished a few more tasks for myself to boot! On Friday I felt like I was still asleep all day, kind of disassociated from myself; but before I knew it I had sold an ad to a brand-new contact, made a deal unload nine Directories on one company, and completed the first phase of research for the next edition.
I'm not sure what's happening, I'm kind of dreamy and hazy all the time but super-sharp and on-the-ball as far as reactions go. It's like another part of me, besides the front of my brain (which is usually in charge) - is running the show and performing beyond the wildest expectations.
(you have been warned about gratuitous use of digital images as I play with various cameras)
It's almost as if I'm stoned, in a way. Operating on a different level. Except when I'm stoned (on pot I mean) I tend to miss the reality that is before me; like, keep walking for blocks past my street as I trip on an idea or recent visual. Lately the way I FEEL is kind of like that, but the way I AM is almost the opposite! As if I don't need to pay attention to what is directly around me because my reactions are almost automatic (is this what we called 'experience'? because if it is, I'm in for more of that! Lord knows I've earned it) while being the most suitable of possibilities.
(this is my cat, he is a big pest but I love him ever so. He's 15 years old now, still going strong but could fade at any moment. Over the years I have tried to draw him but - even if he is sleeping - he invariably rises and comes sniffing towards my page. At first I thought he was in the posession of some evil force and could sense when he was being documented; then I realized that he is just curious about the sound of the pencil scratching on paper. Yes, I am a spaz. . . . .
I love his profile, it is somehow perfect.)
So while I feel like I am blundering through my existance I am actually performing extremely successfully. It has been a very challenging year so far; while continuting my personal interests to my satisfaction and running my household effectively, I started a new job where I have been thrown into a couple of situations that are new to me.
One of them is these trade shows / conventions / events I have been talking about. I basically put myself into a rigourous training schedule; in typical Keta fashion I didn't carefully wet my feet first / take the safe road. No, as usual I THRUST myself completely into the situation with the expected clumsy results. But I also learned rather diligently what it is/how it goes and therefore what you can make of it. Which I did. And, if I stay at the job I have now, this time of steep learning curve would carry me forward over the next -say- five years with the minimum of effort.
Which brings us to my second new challenge; the TOTAL lack of ethical conduct at work. There is, in fact, a shocking level of opportunism and quick cash acquiring. [my boss has a link to this, and other people at work could come here, but I don't think they will -just as my family does not, which is another HUGE problem for me personally- but even still I don't care. If they were to ask me I would tell them straight out how I feel. I have explained half of it -the most pressing, to my mind- which was summarily dismissed as an irrelevant concern in a manner that set off about six thousand alarm bells in my mind.
It erodes the feeling of security of a staff member to see their boss so whole-heartedly willing to offer up anyone and everyone -regardless of level of skill or past excellent work record- to make a few measly dollars.]
(more Raz, I need something soft and cuddly right now)
You know, I find PEOPLE very taxing most of the time. What is it with this obligation, if you are noticed as a person with a some kind of alternate viewpoint, to supply impetus and direction to others? When, in return, all they ever do is offer impediment in return? Why is it my role in life to overcome your efforts to prevent me from getting where I'm going while all you do is gather together your forces to STOP me from getting there?
Therefore can ladle liberally onto me your dissatisfaction at my low level of success at operating within the parameters of your tiny, disorganized world?
(again I need some relief, something pretty and wonderful to look at)
Almost ten years ago, when I had recovered from my 'divorce' (we weren't technically married, but four years -three living together- counts pretty close) and was deep in the throes of the drama that was my job at WCB, I had a plan of escape which involved buying a small plot of land somewhere and making a life out of it. I already know how to get food from basic sources; planted grains and vegies, summer berries, chickens, a goat, maybe a pig or two. Some rabbits. That's all you need really. My work is electronic, it doesn't matter where I am, I can get it done.
In fact, just a few weeks back I was randomly searching the 'net for lots for sale in BC. There was one, 38 acres with service but no phone or cel connection (that means no internet, big problem for me), with water rights, backed by Crown Land. Half logged, half forested. Up by Spences Bridge there, on the old Thompson highway towards Armstrong. In the middle of nowhere really, a few lakes around, most of it is Native land. This is my future home, this kind of thing. I gotta get outta the city.
But, it was too soon for my financial circumstances. I no longer have debts, and my earnings are good, but I don't have a down-payment yet and buddy couldn't wait. So next time; by a year from now I can see myself set up somewhere.
I think I just realized why I have feel like such a failure despite my many, worthwhile accomplishements; because I am not there yet. I'm not so young anymore, in September I will be 40. Shouldn't I be well on track with my aspirations by now?